Top Tips for Lesbian Gamers

I’m Miss Ann Thropic and I am here to enlighten you all on some very important rules about video gaming. These are rules that every lesbian gamer should follow, yes even you there lurking in the corner--reading this out of the corner of your eye, in fact ESPECIALLY YOU.

RULE ONE - Don’t Eat Before Swimming
Never play a game until your fingers are cramped... let's face it, it'll be that very moment when you need them for something else far more important and way more fun. [I’m talking *’opening a can of peaches’ or writing to your Venezuelan penpal…. Obviously]

*Yes ‘opening a can of peaches’ is a metaphor for hot sex on the living room floor. Writing to your Venezuelan penpal, is just writing to your Venezuelan penpal.



RULE TWO – The Bimbiotic Fantasy
If you're going to fantasize about a girl in a video game and ask your girlfriend to join in, try to choose a character that is at least semi-easy for her to replicate. No picking a brainless giggling fool like a *DOA girl. Start off easy with someone sharp, smart and sexy like Commander Shepherd. [Assuming of course you don’t prefer your fantasy girls as dumb as a brick—if so see asterix*]

RULE THREE – Similarities Are Dangerous
Always ensure you don’t accidentally exchange the storage places for your Wiimote and dildo, this can lead to not only embarrassment, but also confusion and in the worst case scenario a non gaming neighbor waving a nice white latex sex toy at your TV screen yelling “I don’t think it’s working?” [which is slightly less embarrassing than when your last girlfriend echoed those very words, whilst you were on top of her wearing what the neighbor’s now flailing at the TV]
Addendum.. actually the neighbor isn’t the worst case scenario... that would be your mom when she’s visiting from out of town “Honey, I don’t think your Wii is working”

RULE FOUR – Pulsation Playability
Be Bold. When scouring eBay for that hard to get Rez vibrator, don't pretend it's to 'get the full experience of the game', just tell it like it is. It's to see if you can make your girlfriend hot when you're playing Rez. Hey maybe the vibrator will work with loads of games. [Enjoyment for both and it shows you’re thinking of her too which means more play time for you]

This rule also comes with a worst case scenario: Your girlfriend starts to refer to foreplay as you ‘plugging it in’ and the best sexual experience of her life as a wireframed explosion. Not good.

RULE FIVE – Tasha Thinks Kissing Isn’t Cheating
When flirting online over XBLA, always be sure to keep a friendly distance... don't get involved in showing up at someone's actual home, and certainly don't start flirting with someone who has a girlfriend already [that’s just lame]. Let's face it, when that happens, it's only a matter of time before you're being abused on XBL and all your friends on your friends list dump ya... not that I'm speaking from personal experience.. obviously...

RULE SIX – Let The Wookiee Win
Referring to your girlfriend as a *Wookiee, never a good idea, letting your girlfriend win a game once in a while = VERY good idea. Note this rule especially applies to you if your girlfriend is crap at games, or if you’re trying to get some post game.
*Wookiee: Chewbacca in the Star Wars galaxy is a Wookiee. If you are unfamiliar with the Star Wars universe, think of the biggest, most manly, hairy lesbian you’ve ever seen, add more hair, another foot in height, a deeper growl and that pretty much covers it.

And there you have it, rules for life. Don’t forget these ladies, your life as a gamer will be all the sweeter for having known them. Now I’m off to make sure my dildo and wiimotes are in their proper places, one of which is in the TV unit next to the VCR and the other is well, now that would be telling wouldn’t it….

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Comments

[GreenFairy5591]

Teehee, nice.

[Vou]

Lol nice read!

[Animus Aqualis]

Some of these rules can also be applied in heteroseksual ways although I as a man won't have to wory about rule three

[Jennie]

I read something that says a lot of straight guys love the dildo and other similar sex toys, something about submission, and the fact they could do their girls anal style if they returned the favor ROFL

[Tristram]

Yeah Jennie, I was gonna mention to animus that as a man I definitely could see that being a worry.

Great piece, Miss Anne Thropic. Also, love your name!

[Kay]

I have to wonder...are lesbian gamers inherently hornier than their gay counterparts? I'm an avid reader of the gaygamer site and, other than vague innuendo's, it's all 'work safe.' So my boyfriend got an eyeful, when he ran over to see just what I was giggling hysterically about. I think this is entertaining like "Snakes on a Plane" is-- I shouldn't be in the first place, but I can't stop laughing.